And so it began.

I don't think any woman expects to become pregnant the first month she and her partner begin trying, but you are still disappointed when it doesn't happen. After about 5 months of negative pregnancy tests, I became very proactive. I was on a mission. I purchased ovulation tests and pregnancy tests online (so much cheaper online!), bought a book (The Everything Getting Pregnant Book), and began charting basal body temps (BBT) (online). Of course, this meant an even bigger disappointment when the pregnancy tests were negative over the next several months. However, I learned a few things about my cycle by doing all of this. #1 I don't have a by-the-book 28 day cycle; #2 I do, in fact, ovulate every month, #3 however, I ovulate LATE in my cycle every month and have a luteal phase defect making it difficult to get pregnant since my body wasn't producing enough progesterone before cascading and signaling for menses to start. And, #4 working nights had my hormones, and therefore my cycle, all over the place.

This was a bitter pill to swallow and a bit overwhelming. But, now that I knew what was wrong, I could find a fix. Everything I read said that in my age group, it was unnecessary to seek professional help in getting pregnant until we'd been actively trying for a year. So, I didn't. Plus, I was afraid they'd find something else wrong with me and take all hope away.

The weekend of August 23,2008 was my first weekend back on day shift at work. I'm sooo not a morning person, but trying to get pregnant working nights wasn't working out, and since I'd been charting BBT's, I realized it wasn't going to happen. Also, working nights was making it very difficult to see family and friends. This was month 13 of trying to conceive. My very first cycle of day shifts brought a positive pregnancy test.

I was ecstatic! I was shaking and in disbelief as I sat on the commode lid staring at the test. I smiled. I laughed. I cried. My heart was racing. Then it dawned on me that it could be a false positive. I got myself together and drove to the store for more tests (and chugged a bottle of water on the way). I had been planning for at least 5 years on how I'd planned to tell my hubby the happy news. It all went out the window! I now had 2 positive tests. Different brands. Different urine samples. I laid them side by side and took a picture with my phone -- and sent them to my hubby who was at work. It seemed like an eternity before he called. I could hear the shaking in his voice as we happily cried together on the phone. This was Friday, September 26, 2008.

Following a blood test to confirm, we wanted to shout it from the rooftops, and basically did just that, but just with immediate family. Our excitement was short-lived.

On October 4, while at work, I started having cramping and bleeding. I called my hubby and we met the physician on call in the ED where we spent most of the night having blood work, ultrasound, urine tests, physical exam, etc. We'd lost the baby at just 5 weeks and 3 days. We were beyond devastated. That was the longest, quietest 40 minute ride home filled with nothing but tears.

The physician was encouraging. He said that 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and most people at the gestation we were at wouldn't have even known they were expecting because it was so early. He went on to say that the many, many people that experience a miscarriage go on to have a healthy, full-term pregnancy. He also shared that, while he has 4 grown children, his wife also experienced 4 miscarriages. At the time, none of this helped at all. I felt like my hubby and I were the only 2 people on the planet who knew how we felt. I felt alone.

I asked him when we could start trying again. His answer surprised me. He said after one cycle, we could have another try. This gave me hope.